The “fix you” is really in invisible quotation marks because I do not believe that anyone is ever broken. But often we believe we are, and then we run around trying desperately to fix ourselves, and one of those things that we latch on to can end up being food.
I got into cleansing and detoxing not because I wanted what was best for my body and mind, but because I was looking for the quick fix. I wanted to fix my body and my life, both of which felt like they had gone off the rails.
Food is wonderful and medicinal, but it will never be everything. It will never replace the necessity of expression, of a well regulated nervous system, of fun. For a long time I refused to believe this because facing the deeper rooted problems felt too big and scary. The most nutritional meal plan in the world couldn’t fix the well of loneliness and the feelings of being lost and unworthy and that I’d really messed everything up.
Often we don’t even know what the real problems are, we just know that we’re stuck in a fight, flight or freeze response and we don’t know how to get out and everything feels overwhelming and too much.
If this resonates and you would like some extra support, I have two 1:1 spots open right now to work together.
Expression
Notes on experiencing long-term dis-ease.
Notes on experiencing a long term dis-ease:
Three years feels like a long time to be unwell. One could say it’s been a lot longer than three years, because I experienced extreme disordered eating for quite a while before then. But, three years of living with the fallout, of feeling exhausted from flip flopping between 12 hours of sleep and insomnia, of food reactions and food fear and brain fog and wild mood fluctuations.
Long term illnesses are very expensive financially. Between my parents and I we’ve spent thousands on supplements and out of network specialists after being told by multiple conventional doctors that they could do nothing for me. I feel very lucky to have access to the resources that we do, while also feeling repeatedly brokenhearted and outraged at how badly the U.S healthcare system fails the people who need it the most.
When you’re very unwell in your early 20s, there’s a grieving period for what is often referred to as “the prime of your life”. You know, that time when you’re establishing independence from your family, working for the dream, dating, networking, etc. Right now I cannot do “normal” things that one often does in their 20s, and I’ve needed to make peace with that reality. For a while I refused to accept the limitations, and would override them only to be out for days. Eventually I realized that it’s rarely worth doing that.
There is a roller coaster of feelings involved. There are days where I feel very at peace with the way my life has unfolded and everything that has led up to where I am now. Then there are those when I wake up feeling exhausted and in pain for the 967th day in a row and break down because I don’t want to do this anymore, don’t want to experience another day in a body that feels so entirely out of whack, where I feel overwhelmed, lonely, and behind in life, worried that it will be this way forever. There is no escape option though. Those are the days when I have learned to really slow down and be so soft with those parts, to make it entirely fine to watch my favourite show in bed for as long as is needed. To validate everything that I’m feeling as entirely normal and understandable.
Part 2 up next.
It's really not about the food.
There is a misconception about eating disorder recovery is that it’s mostly about food. Eat more, eat less, stop throwing up, follow the meal plan, become weight restored, lose weight, whatever. It’s not.
Real, lasting change requires learning how to set firm boundaries. How to start saying yes when we mean yes and no when we mean no. To repeatedly and bravely speak what’s real for you. To no longer put up with relationships, environments and beliefs that are not helping us be the person we know we’re meant to be and live the life we most want to be living. To remember how to have fun. It involves learning how to accept being disliked and rejected, but also embrace being more loved and seen than ever before. It’s a lot more nuanced than following a meal plan, but the exponential growth is endlessly rewarding.